Many parents believe that children spending equal time with each parent is ‘fair’ though how often it is a fair arrangement for the children is debatable. Men (mainly, but not exclusively, abusive men) do not like paying maintenance for their children and will fight through the court for 50/50 time with their children in order to avoid it. And protective parents will often give in to save yet another fight with a narcissist.

Equal care can be divided 2-2-5-5, 3-4-4-3 or 7-7 over a two week period. The younger the child the more often they need to see each parent but I believe a week with each is probably the best arrangement when one parent is narcissistic. It’s hard for a child to go between two such different households and it can take them a few days to settle back in with the protective parent after being on ‘high alert’ with a narcissist. Frequent change overs mean their nervous systems don’t get time to recover and the protective parent may have to cope with bad behaviour for a day or two before being able to start any reparative parenting.

Margo managed to avoid going to court, though only by agreeing to sharing care of Oscar 50/50 with his father, which would have been the likely outcome in court in any event. Here’s Margo’s story:

We have a one week on/one off agreement. At the beginning it wasn’t great: Stanley would drop off Oscar late and then I would message and he would be his usual narc self. He would send Oscar back with half his stuff and then make it difficult so I would have to get up extra early on a Monday to go and get it before school. I would get really angry and Oscar and I would get into fights on a Sunday night/Monday morning. Oscar kept saying to me “you hate Daddy” and I would say “No I don’t.”

When I realised exactly what was happening I told Oscar: you and I are no longer going to argue about this, when you go to Daddy’s do you have all your stuff? He said, yes….I said, when you come to mine, do you have all your stuff? No…..Who helps you pack when you are at mine? You do…..Who helps you at Daddy’s? No one. I said I don’t hate Daddy, but it puts me in a difficult position that I no longer want to be in and you and I should not be fighting over this, so we need a plan.

Packing child's case

So we went and bought duplicates of his uniform, I made a check list to help him when he’s not with me, I also send him via text what he needs. Beyond that if he doesn’t have it, then he has to deal with it as I have done my bit, which was my point with the questions. I didn’t say it directly, but made him understand the issue.

I also told Oscar that’ the reason I divorced Daddy is that he was not very nice to me, and you know that’. I said I do not want to be around people that aren’t nice to me and suggested he remember that as it’s a good life lesson.

After all of this, Oscar was like a different person. I think he needed both reassurance that the divorce wasn’t anything to do with him, as well as some structure.

Stanley was an absolute nightmare in the first two months after we separated and in the end I told him in a message that he could not correspond with me except during business hours, unless it was an emergency to do with Oscar. He doesn’t like me setting boundaries and you do have to have the energy to constantly reaffirm them but it works in the end. I have had several episodes where he started to message me early or later outside of the hours I had stated and I replied when caught off guard. Soon the messages would escalate and become abusive so I have had to go back at a later time and re-iterate the boundary. I then get another abusive message which I ignore and it goes away. This also happened on my birthday morning, which is typical as they love to ruin those! But I just ignored it.

We have calendar events that list which week we have agreed on, and then I will email about holidays etc and he will ignore them. Then I put a deadline when I need to hear back by or my suggestion will be what it is. He has still pulled a few things, but he gets no real narcissistic supply from me now, so our contact is almost non-existent and is working.

I don’t speak badly about his dad in front of Oscar. I ask Oscar questions about his new room and how he feels, so it shows I am interested in his life over there. I speak to him a few times during the week he’s with his dad, but not too much. He seems now settled, and he has realised he gets double the holidays, presents etc!

I think the fact that I don’t get money from Stanley has made a big difference because he has nothing to hold over me and if Oscar was to complain about him, then it wouldn’t work in his favour either.

So far, not too bad, but I had therapy and have worked really hard to get to this and I think a lot of people are so traumatised that they have no idea how to take their power back and are still waiting for maintenance, so have to deal every month with sneaky behaviour. Things that keep coming back to me about thriving post divorce is to have a financial clean break if it’s possible, that the process is a marathon, not a sprint, so you actually need to train for it physically but more important mentally, and be incredibly strategic before pushing any big button, so that you stay in control when the true chaos begins.

The last five years have been gruelling but I am now over the line with some good work, money in the bank, mortgage free, in a lovely home and even have a nice boyfriend.

Stanley is still doing his usual tricks which are annoying and unnecessary but in the grand scheme of things it’s manageable. Oscar is still experiencing the emotional fall out of going between two very different homes and being a teenager. When he comes to mine he has big emotional breakdowns and has had some difficulties getting to school. I have been working closely with his Head of Year and counsellor to put support in place. I have kept Stanley mildly informed, but I don’t want him to know too much as he might use this against Oscar. It has been tiring, very emotional, and it’s all falling onto me, but I recognise how important this is to help Oscar feel I have his back.

Interestingly enough whilst away on holiday, Oscar talks about his Dad like he worships him, which is the conditioning, but he is incredibly loving and affectionate with me. At times when he does speak badly to me, I do put him in his place as I understand how important that is and where it comes from. I have also recently again explained that you shouldn’t let anyone speak to or treat you badly. He is doing as well as can be expected and I just hope he is alright in the end.

It’s not easy to find therapists who understand narcissistic abuse but I do have a list of adult counsellors and coaches, so please ask if you need one. However, I don’t know of any therapists for children or teenagers who have this additional understanding so if you know of, or can recommend, anyone please do let me know.