Ending a relationship
Separation and/or divorce is a huge step to take, especially if you have children, and you’re wise to think about ending a relationship long and hard. Here’s an exercise you can do to feel clearer.
Sit comfortably with both feet flat on the ground, close your eyes and take three big deep breaths in and out. Then visualise yourself staying in your marriage, see yourself as you are now, and then in five and ten years time.
Notice how this feels in your body – do a quick scan from your feet up to your head.
Now take three more big deep breaths in and out before seeing yourself in your mind’s eye leaving your relationship. You might not know how that will look, especially in five or ten years, so focus more on your feelings and on what you have left behind.
Then scan your body and observe how it feels different.
What message has your body given you? Keep listening to it!
If you still need more clarity, please give me a call. I use a process with metaphors which will give you a different perspective, show you different options and help you find your best way through your situation.
Sometimes people are not ready to separate or divorce, or even to consult a solicitor, but find it really helpful for their decision making to know how they would stand in relation to arrangements for their children and/or a financial split. I can give you this information relating to ending a relationship, for a fraction of the cost of seeing a solicitor and with absolutely no pressure to go ahead until you are ready to do so. Please give me a ring or send me an email to arrange an initial chat.
If you’re in a relationship that is physically or emotionally damaging to you or your children you probably need to get out.
There’s always a way.
Has your partner really heard that it’s over? (You may have told them a hundred times, but have they heard?)
Have you “cried wolf” before and now they don’t take you seriously? This is a case where you may have to issue a divorce petition sooner rather than later before your spouse will truly understand that you mean business and take any action towards more than just separate beds.
The first step is to make the decision that you are going to leave.
Then, instead of repeating (if only to yourself) how bad it all is, keep asking yourself questions which will empower, rather than defeat you, such as ‘What do I need to do first?’ ‘Where can I find the money I need for…?’ ‘Who can help me to…?’ ‘Where can I find the information I need?’
When you ask these sorts of questions about ending a relationship, your subconscious mind will work to help you find the answers. Find some quiet time to listen for them, especially when you wake in the morning. You can also ask before you sleep to receive answers in your dreams.
If you still can’t see your way out, I can take you through a metaphor process which will point you in the right direction and show you the first step. Give me a call, or send an email so we can set up a convenient 30-40 minute slot for this.
You’re in a painful place and probably want to fight back, but please don’t rush off to get a divorce. That’s even more pain to go through. It might be the eventual outcome but you may be able to save your marriage if you can take a long hard look at what’s really going on because people cheat for different reasons.
It can be hard to have an open and honest conversation at a time when feelings are running so high but if you can wait until you feel a little calmer, and meet in a café, park, or other public place so that things do not get out of hand, you may be able to reach a better understanding of your partner’s situation. Which of their needs have not been met within the relationship? You’ll then be in a better place to decide whether you can forgive your partner and work on rebuilding the trust between you, if s/he is willing.
Even if you do decide to divorce, keeping the lines of communication as open as you can will make it much easier. This is really important if you have children. Often the couple were unable to communicate successfully in the marriage and they are even less able to do so now. So take your time. Nothing happens quickly in divorce. Have as long a ‘cooling off period’ as you can before taking any drastic action.
In my experience, some of the most difficult, acrimonious and expensive divorces are those resulting from infidelity and very often this is because one party is a narcissist. A narcissist often has an affair, or many of them, it’s part of this personality trait. And partners of narcissists often have affairs too because they have no love in their marriage and eventually look outside for what’s lacking.
I can help you to work out what the issues really are and what the best way forward is for you – just give me a call or send me an email and we can talk it through.
Acceptance is a big part of a divorce proceeding smoothly and that takes time.
If it has come as a shock to you, you need to ask for time to take it all in as you will not be in an emotional state to be able to handle the practical, legal and financial implications for a while.
What are the words that keep going round in your head, eg “this can’t be happening”?
Turn them round to something like “this is happening and I can cope”. Otherwise your brain is hearing one thing and seeing another, and a scrambled brain can’t help you deal with the difficult situation you’re in.
If your brain still doesn’t know which way is up, please give me a call or send me an email and, together, we can make a plan to deal with your situation.
It’s a scary time.
This really is a case where you need to ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’ (and Susan Jeffers’ book – of that title – will help you) rather than let the fear paralyse you into inaction.
Different people in this same situation fear different things. Confront each of your fears in turn by writing down exactly what you’re afraid of. For each fear on your list write the worst case scenario, what would happen in each event and how you could cope.
If you’re still feeling frightened, do get in touch. I can give you useful information to reassure you and help you make a positive plan of action.
“Just one session had a big impact and gave me clarity and confidence.My friends tend to say what I want to hear to stop me worrying, but Diana helped me to face what the issues were, look at where the doubts and fears were coming from and then supported me to take the necessary action.”Ms CG, Avon
You might also be interested in reading the ‘Legal Structure of Divorce’ a two-minute guide to divorce proceedings.