Leaving a narcissist
Separation and divorce are always hard but leaving a narcissist is at least twice as difficult. Not content with just leaving, some are hell-bent on destroying their ex. And if it’s you who’s doing the leaving, you’re likely to be punished for ever more for ‘ruining their life’.
Unfortunately most lawyers (including judges) have no understanding of the narcissistic personality and try to deal with a divorce, or dispute over the children, in the usual way. This doesn’t work. You can’t mediate or negotiate with a narcissist, they want it all their own way. And even if you were to walk away and leave them everything it still wouldn’t be enough: they want blood as well.
A different strategy is therefore required with a narcissist. Court proceedings are almost inevitable so it’s usually best to get on with them sooner rather than later. As a narcissist wants to fight over everything there are often multiple court proceedings and they thrive on the drama of it all.
The saving grace can be the narcissist’s love of money: occasionally they are unwilling to pay out for legal fees and may come to an agreement with you. But more often their intent on punishment outweighs even their love of money and they will spend whatever it takes to destroy their victim. Many narcissists have big debts and won’t think twice about taking on more to pay their legal fees.
If you’re new to narcissism, I’d recommend a crash course in learning about it – the more you understand the better you’ll be able to deal with it. If you don’t already do ‘grey rock’ google it and keep practising until you can do it like a pro.
You’ll find brief guides to the different types of narcissists in my book: How to Divorce a Narcissist and Succeed in the Family Court. It will also give you the legal information you need in England and Wales – find out more here.
I’ve worked with many people leaving narcissists and have an understanding of the abuse they have suffered, and what is required to get them through their court proceedings and to a better place. If you need help with court proceedings, or are wanting to avoid them, please email me with a few details to see if I can help you, either as a litigant in person, or alongside a solicitor.
Other books I’d highly recommend are:
Narcissists in Divorce: From Love-Locked to Leaving by Dr Supriya McKenna
Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield by Tina Swithin
Will I Ever be Free of You: How to navigate a high-conflict divorce from a narcissist by Karyl McBride
The last two are American, so the legal and court information they give does not apply here, but nevertheless they are well worth reading, as are many others.
Use the links below for detailed information about the following related subjects…
You can read more about the issue mentioned on this page in my book…
How to Divorce a Narcissist and Succeed in the Family Court
You’re never going to have a ‘normal’ breakup when there’s a narcissist involved. You’re more than likely to end up in court.
This eye-opening book sheds light on the secret family court system, where the parental rights of abusive fathers (and mothers) are often prioritised over the safety of children. Inside you’ll find practical advice to help you get through court proceedings, manage the narcissist’s behaviour and mitigate its effects on you and your children.
Find out more, download a free chapter, and buy your pdf copy here