Sheila has recently concluded her financial proceedings but she’s lost her son in the process. She’s given me permission to share her story as some of it will help others.

When you’re trying to negotiate a financial agreement with a narcissist the crucial words, as Sheila says below, are ‘a settlement you can live with’.  As opposed to what you may be entitled to, which most people will never get from a narcissist, but you can waste precious years of your life and many thousands of pounds trying.

“Two weeks before the court date we reached an agreement, so we never went to court. Which is good news!

I had made a calculation with my financial adviser, and got advice from my lawyers on what to expect from a judge. My husband now offered something that was potentially higher than what to expect from a judge on a bad day. It was nowhere near what to expect from a judge on a good day, but at the same time, I can live with this.  I am not super chuffed, as it is a minimal deal and it still feels rather unfair considering the amount of money he will have in future compared to myself.

Interestingly it was his lawyer who was keen to negotiate. I indicated I wouldn’t negotiate as negotiations in the past didn’t lead to a significant change in Alastair’s position. Then his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, without instructions, and my lawyer asked me to come up with a minimum acceptable sum. I did, and then after some more conversations we ended up with this deal, which is my minimum acceptable sum.

Anyway, the deal is done. There’s no more if’s and but’s. I will just have to make sure I keep on finding enough work so I can support myself. I will also need to start spending wisely. And there’s always the option to move areas or downsize if finances get tight.

Contact with Jamie has not improved sadly. He is still at university in Exeter. I know dad dropped him off at the start of term, and visited him for a weekend and he was back living with dad for 10 days over half term. All of this I know via other sources than Jamie or Alastair. I haven’t seen Jamie for three months. I am in touch with 2-3 WhatsApp messages a week that he does respond to, albeit short. We have also had two phone calls in three months. I am going to Exeter this weekend. In our last phone call he said he would be busy, and he has his own life there and is keen to be independent, so I may not see him. All heartbreakingly painful. But this seems to be where we are for now. Perhaps one day contact will improve.

My ex-husband has no contact with me whatsoever. I haven’t had a single mail, or message or anything since probably the court hearing in May. He has completely erased me from existence, and has only communicated through his lawyer. I have forwarded some mail for him that arrived at mine, but he doesn’t say thank you or anything. Clearly this is his way with dealing with it. Jamie sort of follows suit. When I mention his dad, he completely closes off and doesn’t respond.

It’s all incredibly sad. Your book has been a massive support throughout. I am sooooo grateful you knew what might be coming and helped me prepare. I had no idea. Literally NO IDEA what this man would be capable of. That said, financially he hasn’t lied, he hasn’t done anything weird, he just disagreed on what he thought was fair. But then emotionally, breaking my relationship with Jamie, in subtle ways forcing Jamie to choose and creating scenes with Jamie in the room while I moved out are totally unforgiveable. This is something that has scarred Jamie for life and will make his life much more difficult than it had to be. And this is his own son. It’s so selfish.

Some people have asked if I would do it again knowing all this. Such a wrong question. There’s no going back. I am really glad I have divorced this man. Even more so now that I have seen what kind of man he really is. I am also really glad that I tried to save our relationship many times and then was super clear that there was really no other way than to divorce. Because there was no other way. I know it was the right decision and I would do it again. The only thing I would do differently, if I would have known Alastair’s gameplan, is to actually do more to win Jamie to my side. And I would have NEVER given my husband three months to get used to the idea of divorcing before telling Jamie. Three months in which Alastair became the perfect dad and stacked the odds against me.

But then, you don’t know, do you. No one saw this coming. And both you and my therapist didn’t quite see this coming either. And even if you would have told me, I might not have believed you. You told me not to bother with a joint lawyer, and I didn’t believe you. You told me not to negotiate, but to go straight to court and to get a pension report. And I didn’t believe you, which has cost me personally at least £50,000 on lawyers’ costs, if not more. And I don’t think I got anything in return. The only thing I got in return was knowing that I tried everything I could to do this nicely, so I cannot blame myself that my ex has turned Jamie against me. Whatever I would have done, this would have happened. Oh well, apart from rolling over of course and accepting his first offer. But even then, we may have ended up where we are now, but with me financially much worse of.

Phew. Long story.

You know what. I am glad I tried nicely. I am glad I can keep my head high and feel I have the moral high ground. And I am super glad I stuck to my guns and didn’t give in. It’s worked wonders for my self-esteem to win the first court case. And as a result I got the pension share I wanted. It’s felt very good that I have not given in and didn’t negotiate at the end. My lawyers said ‘It’s down to who blinks first’. I am super glad that wasn’t me. For once, I stood up against this man. I didn’t let myself be pushed over. Yes, it has cost a lot. But for the rest of my life I will have more financial security as a result, and more self esteem too.”

It could have been soooo much worse. And really, Alastair is still the big looser in all of this as he wanted to keep his wife and be married and he now has to live with the ‘shame’ of being divorced and feeling like a failure. He wanted to split half half, and he has had to deal with me getting a significant part of his pensions and savings too. Of course, he has ‘won’ his son, but he will be aware he needs to work hard for that as well. None of this I wished for him really. But there was no other way.”

Alastair may have ‘won’ his son, but Jamie has, for now, lost his mother. Dividing his loyalties between his warring parents appears to be too much for him to bear at the moment.  Until Sheila started talking about leaving him, Alastair was largely an absent dad and throughout his life Sheila had done almost everything for Jamie. One of the problems with narcissistic parents is that they are unable to give their children genuine love and approval and, no matter how it looks on the outside, at some level children are aware of this.  And it keeps them going back again and again to that parent, for ever trying to get their approval.  And at some level too, I’m sure they know their safe parent will always be there for them.