Are you upset about Partygate? Personally I don’t understand why people who voted for a narcissist are so upset because he’s behaving like one. And since Boris has been caught out, many are mystified as to why he won’t step down like any ‘normal’ person would. They saw the fight Trump put up to cling on to power, but somehow they don’t expect Boris to do the same. However by refusing to budge and clinging on as he did, Boris may well have been saved by Putin.
This is just like what can happen in a family court case with a narcissist. Their victim thinks they’ve caught the narcissist out and that they’ve got the evidence to prove their case, but then something else happens. More often than not it’s a distraction technique created by the narcissist but it can also be a family event that’s bigger than the first one. Then all eyes are turned towards that instead, and the moment is lost.
Here’s what to expect from a narcissist:
- Rules (or court orders) don’t apply to him, even if he did make them (or apply for them) himself.
- He comes first and what he wants is more important than anything else, even when he is running the country, or depriving his own children. His sense of entitlement usually ensures that he gets what he wants.
- He wants to be liked, if not loved, by everyone and he needs their admiration. This doesn’t apply to all narcissists – Putin doesn’t care how many people are killed or maimed – he wants power and control, not popularity. (But he’s probably a psychopath, though still narcissistic).
- Lies, lies and more lies. From the NHS bus to the parties the lies continue to trip off his tongue.
- He’s a good actor. If Boris ‘plays’ the buffoon he’s still acting: he doesn’t do it all the time so it’s clearly not who he really is.
- Low, or no, empathy. I doubt that Saville’s victims even crossed his mind as he tried to score points over Keir Starmer and even it they did, they would have just been ‘collateral damage’.
- He’s not good at relationships. One disastrous intimate relationship, or awful behaviour at the end of a relationship doesn’t mean a person is a narcissist. A narcissist will also have failed relationships amongst his family, friends and work colleagues.
- Theresa May may not have been popular, but can you imagine No. 10 being run in this way under her watch?
- He won’t take responsibility for anything that goes wrong and he won’t apologise because he can’t cope with shame.
- He is incapable of change – because he has a disordered personality
How to cope when leaving a narcissist closer to home
Putin has shown how one man can cause chaos and devastation throughout much of the world. The same thing happens on a much smaller scale when a narcissist is involved in a separation or divorce: it’s not just their partner who is affected, the ripple effects can be huge on other family members as well as the wider community.
So what can you do? Be sure to keep your eyes on the prize. What do you want at the end of the mess you’ve been left in? If you’re in court proceedings what is the outcome you want? Make sure your aim relates to your children or yourself, not your ex, ie check that it’s what you do want, not what you don’t want. So if your aim is to expose the abuse and lies and show them for who they are, that’s about them which of course is just what a narcissist wants. And at this point you want to be focusing on your children and yourself, and getting your ex out of your life and your head. It may be that your ex is exposed along the way but because of the ‘Putin distraction effect’ this often takes years of going back to court and you’re setting yourself up to fail if this is your goal.
Write down what you want so that you’re crystal clear as to what it is. Your aim may be to keep your children safe at all times, rather than stopping your ex from having overnights, for instance. Then focus, focus, focus on it. Don’t be drawn in to your ex’s ‘partygates’ and other distraction techniques which are designed to get you to take your eye off the ball and keep your focus on them, where it’s doubtless been for several years.
The lies are painful, especially when they’re about you. But do you really need to react or reply to them? Can this particular lie really affect the result you’re wanting to achieve? If not, scream, cry or do whatever you have to do to feel better and don’t let your ex know they’ve had any effect on you. But do keep your eyes, ears and mind open as what else they may be up to while they’ve distracted you.
Sometimes the lies are just intended to bait you and give your ex the narcissistic supply that’s in short supply now you’re separated. And the way you react to the lies can make you look crazy and just go to prove what your ex has been saying about you all along. If you don’t know about ‘grey rock’ google it then practice, practice, practice until you’re an expert.
Stay focused on what you want, not what’s happened, or what your ex is saying. And don’t be surprised when a narcissist behaves like a narcissist!
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In other news:
If you find your ex difficult then it’s more than likely your children do too. If you find their behaviour changes before or after they see their other parent you may be interested in this free workshop on Tuesday 8th March. In order to protect the confidentiality of participants it won’t be recorded but hopefully you will be able to attend as it’s at lunchtime.
https://thenurturingcoach.co.uk/supporting-your-child-around-contact/
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Dr Anne ( https://www.myfreedomtothrive.com/) is running a private Facebook group for professional women going through a high conflict divorce. I don’t like the term ‘high conflict divorce’ as it implies both parties are responsible when the reality is usually that one party has a high conflict personality and is abusive. But the Freedom Flyers group could be invaluable support for women in these difficult situations which most people struggle to comprehend.
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Time is running out if you want to divorce under the current law with a petition based on behaviour, adultery or two years separation. I explained the new law here: and this is coming in to force on 6 April. Whether or not the government website will crash – under the weight of all the people who’ve waited for this – remains to be seen. The old law will not continue until 5 April, it will be stopped at 4pm on 31 March for both online and postal applications. So if you want or need to divorce in the next few weeks, especially if you’ll need to issue financial proceedings, it’s best to do it sooner rather than later.
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If you’ve read How to Divorce a Narcissist and Succeed in the Family Court please do write a little review on Amazon:
And if you’ve not yet read it, it’s cheaper to buy it here!
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