My lockdown reading included Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that?’ and I was surprised to learn that he believes only about one in twelve abusers has a personality disorder like narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Lundy Bancroft’s perspective is a little different to others as he’s spent most of his career working with abusive men rather than the abused women. It seems it all boils down to the patriarchy and a man’s disrespect for women, and his partner in particular.

Some boys are brought up in a culture that emphasises the superiority and entitlement of men – and of course girls brought up in the same culture learn that they have to be submissive and take the disrespect and abuse. Other boys are brought up in a more overtly abusive household. ‘John’ was an example of this, featured on Woman’s Hour last week. He described his abusive upbringing and how he was accustomed to the hitting and slapping, it was “where I learned it all from”.

John said his abuse of his partner was never physical, presumably therefore differentiating it in his mind from his own childhood abuse. He has been through a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme (DAPP) which opened his eyes to his behaviour, which he was able to describe as verbal abuse (slag, slut, bitch), toxic, isolating (I had a vehicle for work, but when we couldn’t afford to insure the car I made her take it off the road till she earned her own money), financially controlling, coercive, blaming and gaslighting, as well as physical with “the stamping of the feet, the cutting looks, the threats ..”. He was in denial, minimising, blaming everyone else, saying it was only a joke, etc. It all sounded to me identical to the behaviour of a narcissist. But John isn’t a narcissist, he was ‘just’ abusive.

A narcissist has no interest in changing his behaviour and will rarely agree to attend a DAPP, unless it’s to try to manipulate people. John too said he was adamant he didn’t belong on that course but he went to the first session and “after 40 minutes I realised I absolutely did belong there”. His eyes were opened to his “toxic traits and triggers and how abusive I’d actually been”. He spoke of his shame, his embarrassment and his realisation that he wasn’t the father figure his children needed and his devastation at losing his family. A narcissist would not say all this, and certainly not on Radio 4! He might attend a programme, but he wouldn’t engage properly with it or be able to make any sustained change in his behaviour.

It’s not the people running the programme, or the perpetrators themselves who decide it if it’s been a success or not, but the perpetrator’s partner, or ex-partner who says if his behaviour has changed. Woman’s Hour said they’d been in touch with John’s ex-partner so she must have agreed that he had changed.

How can you tell if your partner or your ex is a narcissist or ‘just’ abusive? I’d suggest there’s another question to be answered before you spend time thinking about him (again) to work that out: what difference will it make if he is or he isn’t, what will that change for you or your children?

The biggest difference is that if he’s not a narcissist it is possible he can change with the help of a DAPP, although it does take a long time to change the mind-set of a man whose attitudes and beliefs have been so entrenched since childhood.

And there’s no guarantee that even if he does change, he’ll be able to maintain the changes once he’s on his own after the programme has finished. So it’s definitely not something to hang around waiting for in terms of your relationship, but if it could help your children it’s certainly worth considering. If Cafcass recommend a DAPP, the court can order it in children proceedings and it’s then free to attend. Unfortunately, there’s a bigger than ever waiting list now due to the pandemic as the programmes are carried out in a group setting so were suspended for many months.

Additional differences between narcissistic and other abusers may include the lies, the smear campaigns, the “flying monkeys” and the way they relate to people other than their family. John talked about how reactive he was “I would open my mouth before engaging my brain” whereas a narcissist may plot and think out his lies and manipulations in advance. And the narcissist will have problems in his other relationships too, both at work and in his friendships, because it’s his whole personality that’s disordered, not just the behaviour he’s learned in childhood.

Narcissistic, coercive and controlling behaviour is on a spectrum and, however you label it, it’s all abusive. That’s all you really need to know, as well as how to recover from it.

Another book I read during lockdown was Caron Kipping’s ‘Recognition to Recovery: How to leave your abusive ex behind for good’.

It’s quick and easy to read with lots of practical hints and tips, and stories of people who’ve been through, and recovered from, abusive relationships as well as part of Caron’s own story. With information about criminal and family proceedings, and co-parenting, it’s both informative and encouraging. If you learn, or change, even one thing as a result, it’s worth reading as it’s so important to both recover as fully as you can from the abuse and to learn the red flags before embarking on a new relationship.