We were all horrified when five people, including a child, were shot dead in Plymouth last August – this is the UK, not the US, and we don’t do mass shootings here. At least, not too often. The police are supposed to police gun licences but they don’t have time to do this properly and the gunman had only recently had his licence returned to him before this shooting.
And now we’re told that countless domestic abuse suspects have also had their guns returned to them by the police during the past three years. I’m aware of abusers who keep a gun in the house – these are the cases that keep me awake at night – though I’m not personally aware of any who have used the gun. The victim just has to know it’s there for the perpetrator to be able to control them and ensure they toe the line. The time after separation is the most dangerous as demonstrated by Rachel Williams who was shot by her ex. So if you’re leaving a man with a gun, do make sure the gun’s removed from him before you go.
Another recent headline was that the word gaslighting was used in a High Court judgement for the first time. It wasn’t actually the first time, but never mind, it was the first time it made the news. It was one of the four appeals in the big Court of Appeal case last year: the one where Judge Scarratt in Canterbury threatened the mother that her child would be removed from her and adopted if she didn’t agree to the father having unsupervised contact. He said this despite the mother’s serious allegations of domestic abuse (including rape) not having been considered by the court. The Court of Appeal said there must be a fact finding hearing and this was the result of that hearing. The Judge agreed with Charlotte Proudman, the mother’s barrister, when she said the father’s repeated allegations that the mother had bipolar disorder was gaslighting.
It’s sadly common for abusive men to make false allegations about mothers’ mental health. Although sadder still is the fact that if the mother does have mental health issues they may well have been caused by the abusive behaviour of the father, which appears to have been the case here as the Judge said:
“I am satisfied from the medical evidence filed, which entirely corresponded with my own assessment of the mother, that by reason of the father’s conduct towards her and in the relationship she has been caused severe anxiety, depression, and trauma.”
This was clearly one of those “he said/she said” cases
and the Judge seems to have done a brilliant job of working it all out. If you’re in this situation yourself you can help the judge by admitting your part in it as this mother did:
‘The mother told me that she had at times threatened to “cut off” the father’s contact with Jane: “when I got annoyed… I said a lot of stuff that I did not do”.’
One of the important things to bring out in evidence in a fact finding hearing is the balance of power in the relationship. The Judge said:
‘The mother spoke in her evidence of the ‘power imbalance’ in the relationship, and I am satisfied that the evidence amply reveals this. The father is several years older than the mother and considerably more worldly; I find that he was manipulative of the mother during their relationship and this tapped into her vulnerability. I am satisfied that during the relationship the mother was caused to live at times in a state of worry and anxiety, and, as she put it herself:
“… often terrified and deeply confused by constant contradictions, not able to speak my mind or think clearly. I was controlled through fear, intimidation and bullying.”
At the same time the father complained that the mother would constantly monitor his whereabouts and be demanding of him. The Judge said:
“I have seen the phone records which shows that she often tried repeatedly to phone him while he was at work; she texted him often in increasing state of agitation requiring his attention. The mother was forced to accept this, and further accepted that on occasion she threatened to harm herself; she described this as a Cri de Coeur. I find that the mother did indeed become paranoid about the relationship. She was desperate to cling onto the relationship, albeit that it was – as she now sees in hindsight – a thoroughly dysfunctional and unhealthy one.”
This Judge’s understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse is further demonstrated when he said:
“The mother was, I sensed, quickly infatuated with him, and perhaps particularly because of the inconsistency in which he treated her, and his changeable attitude to her, she became obsessed with him and with keeping the relationship going, defaulting to jealousy and anxiety if he was not physically with her. She became possessive of the father. This does not mean that she was not abused by the father, as he sought to persuade me. Indeed, the mother’s description of the relationship is to my mind entirely recognisable as the behaviour of someone caught up in the whorl of abuse, who has lost any objective sense of what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship……….She simply sought to cling to what she knew.”
Although it’s most heartening to read these cases in the High Court and Court of Appeal, it’s still not the norm for the judges in the lower courts to have this level of understanding of domestic abuse. But don’t hesitate to quote really helpful cases like this in a fact finding hearing or in a position statement as the lower courts should follow them. You can find the case here.
National law firm cuts divorce fees by 47% was another headline that caught my attention recently. A mid-priced firm of solicitors have reduced their fixed fee for a divorce from £1,020 to £540 just before the new divorce law comes into force on 6 April. They are worried that the new law and online process will make it so easy for people to do themselves that they won’t go to solicitors any more. They are right to worry – please don’t pay a solicitor to fill in this simple form for you! You’re very unlikely to get stuck but if you did I can answer any question you have for a tiny fraction of that price, or free of charge it it’s quick and simple. So save your money and use it for legal advice or representation where you really need it ie for any contested court hearing or to get an order finalising your financial situation.
And finally, if you’ve read my book (or even some of it) please do write a review here https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Divorce-Narcissist-succeed-family/dp/1739815904/. And if you’ve not read it you can buy it here https://dealingwithdivorce.co.uk/divorce-advice-books-divorce-consultant-divorcing-a-narcissist/ as it’s currently cheaper than on Amazon.
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