“A lie once told remains a lie, but a lie told a thousand times becomes the truth”
Joseph Goebbels, Nazi propagandist

Gaslighting is what abusive people do to make you doubt your own sanity so that they can gain power and control over you: it’s a common tactic in coercive control.

The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1944 film called Gaslight where the husband kept turning down the gas supply so the lights dimmed, and insisting that his wife was imagining it.

Gaslighting is not a one-off event, it’s a series or pattern of behaviour and it’s unlikely to happen every day, or even every week – narcissists play the long game.  They use this form of psychological abuse to cause confusion, disorientation and anxiety, to the point where their victims don’t trust their own memory or judgement and have to depend on the abuser who can then control their life.

They do it to keep you off balance, and sometimes just to amuse themselves.  They try to convince you that you’re wrong about something, even when they know, and you know, that you’re not. They tell blatant lies, denying that something just happened: “I didn’t hit you, it was you who hit me”.   They will manipulate everything: eat your cake while your back is turned and then convince you that you finished it yourself. The more you lose confidence in yourself, and start to question your own reality, the less likely you are to challenge your partner and the more they will be in control of you.

Donald Trump is the narcissist we all know and he used classic gaslighting behaviour when he told us that what we were seeing and what we were hearing was not what we were seeing and hearing. How many times did he repeat that the 2020 presidential election was “stolen” or “fraudulent” despite the evidence to the contrary, ie that Joe Biden won with 7 million more votes? And when his lawyers were asked for proof of any alleged fraud they produced nothing: there was none to produce, but that doesn’t deter a narcissist.

Gaslighting is often done by perpetrators who are not violent but use gaslighting as well as other forms of controlling behaviour such as surveillance or isolating their victim in order to gain control over them.  It’s done over a long period of time and it can be subtle and hard for you or others to spot.  It’s also hard for you to be believed by others: who would trust your version if you said your husband kept dimming the lights – why would anyone do that, it makes no sense.  In the end you may come to believe the fairy tales and re-writing of history.

Perhaps you agreed to go shopping with your partner on Saturday, but when you ask what time they want to go they tell you they said Sunday not Saturday.  You think you heard or remembered it wrongly and it’s no big deal.

You prepare a special meal for her: prawns, her favourite.  She tells you she hates shellfish and boils herself an egg instead.  Did you mishear or misremember what she told you about prawns a few weeks ago?

You left your keys on the table by the front door when you came in yesterday.  Now you’re late for work and they’re not there.  You empty your handbag and rush round the house searching everywhere, until he tells you they’re on the table where you left them.  Did you imagine they weren’t there before?

You’ve got friends coming to dinner and he said he’d pick up the lamb chops on his way home as you’re working from home with a deadline to meet.  He arrives late, and without the meat.  He denies ever saying he’d get it: he told you he’d be late and clearly remembers you saying you’d go to the shop.  You get upset and angry, and he tells you you’re always overreacting.  But he says he’ll go and get the chops now even though he’s supposed to be sending an urgent email for work.  When your guests arrive he apologises for the meal not being ready and explains that you’d been on a spa day with a friend and had completely forgotten to buy the meat, and how he’d had to make a heroic dash to get it before the shop closed.

Gaslighting allows the narcissist to remain blameless, and to look like either a hero or a victim, depending on which fits the bill in the particular circumstances.   And then they start to gaslight your friends and family by telling them you’re struggling with your mental health.

If the narcissist is also gaslighting your children it’s important to help them as much as you can to know what is normal and right, and to be able to trust themselves.  The narcissistic parent may tell them that what they are feeling is not how they feel, or make fun of them if they’re upset or angry.  Your ex will convince the children that they are always wrong and s/he is right, and will blame the children for anything that goes wrong, even when they know it’s not their fault.  And if it really is their fault, their ‘offence’ will be blown out of all proportion:

-You’re making a big deal out of nothing

-Don’t be so dramatic

-You’re being too emotional

-You’re just tired, go to sleep

-You’re so sensitive

-You should have known …

-I’m only punishing you because I love you

Your ex may tell the children all sorts of awful things about you, including that they’re scared of you and they don’t want to see you.  Your children will feel anxious, confused, disorientated and bad about themselves and this can result in them being bullied by other people too.  If possible get counselling for your children as soon as you can, though the narcissist will have parental responsibility and probably do all they can to prevent it.  Or, if they agree, they will gaslight and manipulate the counsellor.

If you manage to escape this dreadful relationship and find yourself before the family court, you could be subjected to more gaslighting there.  Your accounts of the abuse are disbelieved or minimised, and you are effectively told that it is more harmful to a child not to see their abusive parent than it is to be further abused by them, ie despite his dreadful abuse of his children’s mother, he is still a ‘good father’.

You may be told that your case is “high conflict”, meaning that you are as responsible as your ex for the angry exchanges and damage to your children, whilst refusing to recognise the abuse you have suffered.  You will be told you have to co-parent with your ex, which of course is not possible.  You may be told you have to stop breastfeeding because it’s more beneficial for your baby to spend extensive time with their father than to be breastfed.  If your children complain of abuse, you may be told that you are encouraging the children to lie.

If you think you may be a victim of gaslighting it might help to keep a journal and write everything down so you can check back as to what’s been said before – though it won’t help to argue with the narcissist or point out their gaslighting as they will just tie you in even more knots.  A trusted friend may be able to help you sort out reality from the narcissist’s fantasy, but otherwise professional help is invaluable to help you recover from this insidious form of abuse.